Why do women stay in bad relationships?

When you're in an abusive relationship, it is very hard to pinpoint where 'normal' ended and 'this' began.

A bad relationship doesn’t necessarily need to be an abusive one and it doesn’t have to be a loveless one. You can find yourself trapped in a relationship where you deeply love your partner, but they’re a constant drag on your self-esteem, finances, or independence.

Women give bad relationships second chances for many reasons—convenience, routine, stability, and habit are all real reasons and should not be underestimated—add in all the physical and emotional separation that occurs with any breakup and you’re welcoming another world of pain. Not to mention that the pressure from friends, family and society to stay together can be hard to overcome; you may stay with someone you know isn’t right for you just because it’s easier.

But one major reason might simply be low self-esteem.

In dysfunctional relationships, one person tends to have an underlying insecurity of wondering if they are deserving of love. The fact partners tend to be affectionate and attentive in the early days of the relationship doesn’t help. When a partner responds in a way that makes this person feel she is desired, it’s overwhelming—it becomes unthinkable to pull away. Couple this with a history of dating men who treat you badly, and any attention becomes a welcome salve to those wounds.

The erosion of self-esteem and happiness doesn’t happen overnight—it’s slow and slow enough for you to get used to it. Think of the frog in the pot: drop it into boiling water and it’ll jump right out; sit it in cool water and bring it slowly to the boil and the frog will sit there until it’s boiled alive. When you’re entrenched, it’s hard to realise your boundaries are being trampled and your standards are being eroded. The boiling water becomes the new normal.

Women also place a very high value on committed relationships and believe that there is nothing that can’t be worked out. Such women might also be anchored in the belief that if they keep at it, things will improve. They feel that if they are consistent in their behaviour, and if they continually try to be a good wife to their husband, things will get better. They may also feel like martyrs—they withstand discomfort or even pain for a greater good, thinking they can take this kind of pain if it helps their partner. They sacrifice their own happiness for the greater cause of their partner’s. It’s almost self-gaslighting—they don’t relate to the abused wife stereotype because they don’t feel helpless; rather they feel they’re engaged in a challenge and they’re too good or kind to give up on someone. There’s also something to be said for keeping a family intact—better the devil you know? Breaking up invites the unknown and the scary and what you know can seem the safer option.

Then there’s the sunk cost fallacy: the fear of losing years of effort and money when ditching a relationship is another major reason why some women give their men a second chance. This is compounded when a relationship starts with unrequited feelings before they get together, adding up to years of emotional investment. Plus, even when confronted with evidence of infidelity, for example, your brain might not want to believe it.

We want to believe the best of the people we love and it may take time to recognise the signs. We also want to see the return on our investment: once we’ve put so much time, effort, love and attention into something, we want to see the results. It can be hard to cut your losses.

But perhaps the most compelling reason women stay in bad relationships is the idea of ‘learned helplessness’—where no change happens despite them voicing their desire for certain things to be fixed. Maybe their partners make excuses, promise to put in more effort (then promptly forget about it), or just ignore their unhappiness. These women end up feeling that whatever they say does not matter because they have already told their partner their behaviour is not okay, but no real change happens. The result is a resigned acceptance that this less-than-ideal situation is their lot in life—it’s better than being alone, right?

Women in toxic relationships tend to start to lose or forget themselves—they suffer put down after put down, their self-esteem plummets, and they begin to believe no-one else would want them. Their happiness is no longer a priority for them as criticism seeps into every aspect of their ‘self’—they feel undervalued and worthless, and firmly believe in their fundamental unlovability.

When you’re deeply entrenched in a bad relationship, it can be hard to take a step back and acknowledge you’re being mistreated. One way of cultivating self-awareness is to treat your emotions as you would your physical symptoms—when you feel pain and sadness from a consistent source, it’s a signal telling you to pay attention. Don’t ignore it—look at the signs, where they are pointing, and acknowledge them. That’s the first step in understanding you need to make a change.

People in bad relationships may feel very isolated—it’s hard to speak openly about real problems in your relationship. They turn to the internet—they google their problems and find relevant articles. Something clicks in them when they can relate to these. If you can’t verbalise how you feel, try searching online in private. You may find helpful reading material from people who have gone through similar experiences—this can help you understand you are not alone and you can get help. As unhealthy relationships can feel alienating, try to fall back on family and friends. This doesn’t mean talking about your problems if you feel you can’t but rather focusing on building bonds. Get involved in their lives and be open about yours—it’ll remind you your life is so much bigger than the problems with your partner.

Everyone deserves happiness and love; if you aren’t getting that from your current relationship, you deserve to leave it. ■