A brief introduction to polyamory

Very basically put, polyamory is the idea of having more than one lover or partner.

by Kathryn Stone

When I was younger, I thought being grown up meant finding my one Prince Charming, moving in together, marrying, having children and being able to eat chocolate whenever I wanted. As I got older, I discovered that the world is a lot more complicated than Disney taught me. While I still rejoice in eating chocolate whenever I want, my ideas about relationships have substantially changed.

I often struggle to find differences between my romantic relationships and very close friendships. I enjoy spending lots of time with both friends and lovers, I can tell them almost anything and I know they will both always be there for me. The only difference is I sometimes have sex with my partner and we have a romantic attachment. Although I’m not really sure what the latter means.

Despite these thoughts, when my partner approached me about opening up our relationship and trying polyamory, I cried for three days. I cried because I felt like I was not good enough for him—not enough in general. I didn’t understand why he would want to have more lovers than just me because I hadn’t really had the same urges; I fall in love very slowly.

I spent several weeks researching polyamory, reading books (try Redefining our Relationships by Wendy-O Matik and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy) and talking to friends in open relationships. My partner and I also talked to each other about everything. We started really thinking about defining our relationship, which we had always previously assumed was monogamous. I came to understand why he wanted an open relationship as I confronted my beliefs about friendships that didn’t fit with my ideas about relationships. I have several very close friends whom I love individually, and do not love less just because I have multiple best friends. Why shouldn’t this be the same for lovers? So, together we decided to try out being polyamorous and keep re-evaluating how we felt our relationship was going.

But what is polyamory? Very basically put, it is the idea of having more than one lover or partner.

More importantly, polyamory is about not only defining, but constantly redefining the boundaries of your relationships according to the wants and needs of all parties involved.

It means different things to different people: for some it means having a primary partner, but allowing each other to have one night stands. For other people it means having several romantic and/or sexual relationships at any given time. And at any point in time, the boundaries that people have can be changed, meaning that if someone hits a rough patch and feels like they want a more monogamous relationship, this too can happen.

Polyamory therefore opens the pathway for people to explore each and every new friendship they make, openly and with the opportunity for deepening friendships into romantic relations following the natural flow of bonding. There is no need to choose who you love the most and relationships do not need to end from one drunken kiss. There is no fear associated with developing closer friendships, no need to friend zone or cut off people who are coming too close in the worry that you might fall in love.

Instead, there is a wealth of opportunities to find love everywhere.

I have found that polyamory tightens the bonds in existing friendships too, because it means you are expected and able to grow your relations as far as you want (within the limits you and your partners have consented to). And this blurs the already fuzzy line between friend and lover a little more. Instead of having one main person as support, you can build up a large network of people who are very close to you in their own way.

Alongside the new opportunities, my initial partner and I have become even closer. Being in an open relationship requires you to communicate extremely well and empathetically about very personal and difficult topics. While it can be scary to open up, if someone does not discuss how they are feeling, the problem cannot be addressed and will instead fester without being solved. Nowadays, we are very effective at discussing the various worries that we have with our relationships, and arguments are no longer fights against each other—instead we work together to solve what is actually a problem for all of us.

Of course, polyamory is not always easy. Jealousy, lack of trust and sadness are very real emotions and can be very painful. However these emotions have taught me a lot about myself. Instead of seeing jealousy as a shameful and evil emotion, I have realised that—like most other feelings—the reason for feeling it can show me something about myself or my relationship.

For example, I have often felt jealous when my partner goes to parties with other girls. This used to be something we did together but since I became disabled, I can rarely go out.

I now realise that part of the reason that I am jealous is because I have a low self-esteem. I am afraid he will replace me with a fitter and more able-bodied person, no longer wanting me because I am a burden.

From this, I have realised how much I need to work on my self-worth after becoming disabled, and together we have tried to find ways in which I can feel more validated and less of a burden to my partner. Working through these emotions has helped me to grow and be more comfortable with who I am.

Polyamory is certainly not for everyone. But still I would urge every couple to at least consider polyamory, even if is just to say ‘no thank you, that’s not for me.’ It’s all too easy to simply accept the Disney idea of a relationship when it might not be the best sort of relationship for you. It is healthy to regularly redefine and re-evaluate the boundaries of your relationship and the way it functions—whether you are practising monogamy or polyamory. And if you are interested in the idea, why not research it, or try it. You might be surprised at how much you can get from it.

I will leave you with this thought: ‘people should learn to treat their friends more like lovers and their lovers more like friends.’ Happy Loving! ■