Hidden bruises

In July of 2017, I experienced what I have since realised was a spiritual near-death experience.

by Claire Standen

I live in Scotland, and have ever since I had a choice in the matter. I’ve lived in Edinburgh, in Dumfries and Galloway, Aberdeenshire, Angus and now Perthshire is where I call home. The beauty and serenity of Scotland has always called to my soul, and the vibrancy and eclectic nature of the cities bring out my creativity in equal measure. I have made deeply connected friendships, and the more I look, the more I find people in alignment with how I think about the world, right here on my doorstep.

It hasn’t always been this way. I was married for seven years and together with my ex-partner for twelve in total. In those twelve years, from the age of 21 to 33, I lost touch with myself and became a victim of emotional abuse. It’s hard to say which came first—the abuse or the victimhood—because it’s a gradual process, a war of attrition.

What I do know is that in July of 2017, I experienced what I have since realised was a spiritual near-death experience.

The light inside of me, that shone for who I truly am, had got so dim as to have nearly extinguished altogether. When you’re in an abusive relationship—be it physical, sexual, financial or in my case emotional—it is very hard to pinpoint where ‘normal’ ended and ‘this’ began. I believe that’s because no matter what has gone before, you’re always in ‘this’, the here and now. What you compare it with is the recent past, and in this way, abusive and controlling language and behaviours become normalised in your day to day life.

I was on a walk with my dog, and I was contemplating life that fine summer’s day. I had realised some time before that something needed to change. If I projected my default future from where I was, if everything were to stay exactly the same, I was certain that the fire inside of me would no longer exist. There was a new magical beauty in the unknown. In that moment, I connected with a part of me that embraces change as an opportunity to become the creator of my own life. I saw a future beyond the current storm where the sun shone and the possibilities were practically boundless.

With two small children in tow, a poorly paid part-time job and absolutely no clue whether I would be able to support us all, I decided that it would still be better on my own than to continue giving everything I had to an endless sink of time and energy. I couldn’t bear to be found wanting in every aspect of my life any more. I couldn’t take any more criticism or derision and I certainly couldn’t give anymore of myself.

So here I am, a year and a half later, and I can’t begin to tell you how far I’ve come with that vision that shone through in that moment of clarity.

I have my own house, and I have launched my small business. I still work part time for now, which works well because I have so much energy for life. The life I want is well within my grasp, and I take steps every single day to make it so.

Having accessed numerous resources to improve and connect with my own self-worth, abilities and knowledge, I now coach other women who’ve left emotionally abusive relationships to do the same. I have seen women transform from repressed, chronically tired and worn out people into powerful, creative and joyful individuals with clarity on their purpose and passion in this world. I am a Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner, I have started a Masters in counselling and psychotherapy and done a whole host of other courses that have improved my mindset and skillset.

I love investing in myself, and I believe that when women invest in themselves, they also invest in their children.

Today my message to readers is that if you are recognising any signs of emotional abuse, be they romantic relationships, at work or familial; if you are told continuously that your opinion is invalid; if your point of view is questioned or mocked; if you are trapped in indecision due to the response you will receive if you make the ‘wrong’ choice; and if your emotions and feelings are invalidated in any way, please consider whether your relationship has an element of emotional abuse. It doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship—as mine was—but it does indicate that you need to make a change. Step out of victimhood and back into your power. If it’s real love, it doesn’t hurt and they’ll join you in welcoming this change for the positive. You will encounter resistance in yourself, too, which is also totally natural and a process that you can get help to go beyond.

My purpose is to spread this message so that women see me and others like me and realise that they too have the courage, the ability and the power to pull themselves out of a situation which no longer serves them.

Reach out for help and you will be surprised by the overwhelming response. ■

Rising Strong