What is gaslighting?

When you're in an abusive relationship, it is very hard to pinpoint where 'normal' ended and 'this' began.

You’re tapping your foot, waiting for your husband to come home from work. He’s late, for the tenth time in a row. Finally, he appears and you ask him why he keeps coming home late. ‘What?’, he says, shocked. ‘I haven’t been coming home late. Are you sure you aren’t just losing track of the time?’ You’re pretty sure he’s late.

The next day, it happens again and this time, you checked the time: ‘You’re definitely late.’ And he says: ‘What? No, I’m not. I always come home at this time.’ You try to argue that it’s only been the last ten or so times that he’s come home this late, but he insists you must have been confused—maybe once in the past he got off work early but he definitely always comes home at this time. You let it drop: maybe you’re just being airheaded. You’ve clearly been unobservant if he’s sure he’s always come home at this time. You shrug and move on.

He goes on screwing his secretary.

One day, you find a pair of underwear in the laundry basket and it’s not yours. You ask him about it—he got them for you two years ago for your anniversary, don’t you remember? You apologise because you feel bad for being inconsiderate and forgetting something that mattered to him. You wash and fold another woman’s underwear.

Gaslighting is an abusive technique that goes beyond simple lying—it erodes your reality and self-belief, it makes you docile and easy to control because you no longer trust your own sense of which way is up—you need them to tell you. The important distinction is the induced self-doubt and gaslighting as a portmanteau comes from a 1938 play called Gaslight, in which a husband convinces his wife she is losing her mind by doing things such as dimming a gas light and pretending nothing has changed, making her doubt her own senses and recollections. Why? He wants to have her committed to an asylum so he can steal her inheritance.

A liar will go out of their way to craft believable lies that can’t be contradicted in an attempt to undermine your understanding of the truth; a gaslighter will repeatedly tell you things you both know aren’t true to undermine your trust in your own faculties. Lying is leading you away from the truth; gaslighting is leading you away from your ability to tell what’s true.

The abuse is often subtle at first; if a person is telling a story, the abuser may challenge a small detail. The person may admit they were wrong and then move on, and next time, the abuser may use that past ‘victory’ to discredit the person further. You may argue back at first and intuit something is wrong in the relationship, but because each incident seems so minor, it’s hard to pinpoint any reason for your unease. Over time, you start to second-guess your memories and emotions and the abuser uses this to chip away at your confidence and self-esteem. This can have catastrophic effects on your mental health, now and in the future.

As gaslighting can also affect a person’s social life, people may be manipulated into cutting ties with friends and family. They may isolate themselves, or find themselves isolated, believing they are unstable or unlovable. The most common form of gaslighting? ‘You’d be alone forever if it weren’t for me. No one will love you.’ Even after the person escapes the abusive relationship, the effects can persist as they may still doubt their perceptions and have trouble making decisions. They are also less likely to voice their opinions and emotions, knowing they are likely to be invalidated.

Because gaslighting is so insidious, it can be difficult to recover from.

A person can grow to mistrust everything they hear, feel and remember so one of the most important things a survivor can get is validation. They may also benefit from reforming any relationships they pulled back from during the abuse: other people can verify one’s memories, sympathy from others can reduce feelings of shame, and the person can relearn how to trust others and themselves. It’s also recommended people who have experienced gaslighting seek therapy to help reinforce their sense of reality and help with any mental health concerns.

If you feel like the way your partner, family member, colleague or anyone in your life engages with you is—intentionally or not—a form of gaslighting, it’s important to do something about it. Take a step back and talk to family and friends, people you trust who can give you an objective opinion. The gaslighter doesn’t necessarily need to be acting with malicious intent—it’s possible to gaslight without realising they’re doing it. But that’s still not okay. Gaslighting could be a bad habit picked up from the relationships they grew up around but if you recognise any of the gaslighting symptoms, it’s time to make a change. You may experience asking yourself if you’re too sensitive; feeling confused in the relationship; always apologising; making excuses for your partner’s behaviour; knowing something is wrong but you just don’t know what; having trouble making simple decisions; wondering if you are good enough.

It can be very difficult to get out of a relationship with a gaslighter but it’s possible. In the film adaptation of Gaslight, the wife, realising her husband has been manipulating her, turns the tables on him. In the final scene, he has been tied to a chair by the police. When she enters the room, he instructs her to get a knife and cut him loose. But she gaslights him by pretending that she is too mentally ill—using the reality he has constructed for her—to carry out his instructions. ■