What is chivalry these days?

What is chivalry these days?

I often battle with myself on the chivalry debate. I have always been of the mindset that nothing will stop me in life—it’s the way I’ve been brought up. Regardless of my age, my gender or my experience, I will go for what I want—not that I always get it—but damn right I will try.

But when it comes to the gender debate, I’m like a set of scales. Do I think a man should pay for dinner? No. Do I find it flattering when a man wants to treat me to dinner? Yes. Does it annoy me when a man ‘demands’ to pay in a certain way? Yes.

I have had endless discussions with different women on their views and so often they will have a straightforward answer of ‘Yes, I think a man should pay,’ or ‘No, I can pay for myself,’ but is it as easy as that? 

There have been so many times, going up a flight of stairs from the tube, where I see a woman struggling with a heavy case. Just as many times, I have stopped without thinking and asked whether they want a hand. On one occasion a lady, a similar size to myself, was struggling with her case with her two kids beside her—I stopped and carried her case to the top. Because I could, and she was struggling, so why not?

I see men all the time pass these types of situations without batting an eyelid, let alone lifting a hand. On the occasion that I have seen a man help, it makes me smile, but then it brings a whole different topic for discussion. If a woman is powering up those stairs without a worry, I don’t think a man needs to offer to help, however if a woman is visibly struggling, and a man who is fitter and stronger walks by, I do think they should offer. I then wondered whether some women might have the view of ‘I can do it, why would a man offer to help me!’ Does this then become challenging for a man to decipher when to step in and when not to?

I also see this on the tube. On my morning commute to the office, I rarely see a man give up a seat for a woman—it transports me back to what it would have been like in my grandparents’ generation. A man would naturally offer up his seat to a woman. In a way this feels like nice—a real gentleman—but in another way, it shows us how far women have come. Women and men are equal, so why should we expect a man to give up their seat for us?

On the way home the other week, the train conductor said through the tannoy ‘why don’t you men be gentlemen today and give up your seat for the ladies.’ I wondered if I’d boarded a time travelling train—I was genuinely quite shocked. I saw a lot of shifty and uncomfortable looks going around, with men unsure whether they should then stand. It made me quite uncomfortable too. On any commute you see a mixture of business men and business women—all after a long day at work—if you have a seat, then keep it I say (apart from those of you who close your eyes when a pregnant, elderly or injured person boards—come on now.)

I was hoping in writing this piece I could give myself some clarity on this topic, but it seems I will need to dwell on this a little further. My final thoughts however (after sleeping on it) are: today we are working on becoming a gender equal society. So, when you see someone struggling with their case and you are better able to carry it—be kind and offer a hand. I don’t believe it’s a matter of whether you are a man or a woman—it is about kindness and helping others.

If I saw an elderly person struggling, I would carry their bag. It doesn’t matter whether they are a man or a woman—they’re a person in need.

If I go for dinner, and I want to treat someone I will say so—whether that’s a friend or my boyfriend. I know they would do the same back, and there is absolutely no expectation or assumption from my side that a man should always pay.