Speaking up at work—easier said than done

Communication is more than saying what you mean; you need to consider how you say it, how it will be interpreted, how context affects your meaning, and the cultural experiences of the people in the conversation. Research conducted by Deborah Tannen and published in 1995 shows how ways of speaking learned in childhood affect judgements of competence and confidence, as well as who gets heard, who gets credit, and what gets done in the workplace.

There are myriad situations in which we speak without worrying about how to say what we want to say; all the ways we change our voices without thinking about it: talking, gossiping, announcing, asking, begging, demanding, consoling, advising, recommending, explaining, reprimanding, surprising, teasing. Unless the situation is loaded, our way of speaking is natural—add in some pressure, and we’re choosing words carefully, considering our pacing, watching how direct or forceful we sound, adding filler words to buffer our demands. Men and women do this differently; it’s cultural, learned behaviour.

Deborah Tannen explains this is because we learn ways of speaking as children, and children tend to play with children of the same sex. Research shows although both boys and girls find ways of creating rapport and negotiating status, girls tend to focus on the rapport dimension, while boys focus on status, purely through the conversational rituals they are most exposed to. Girls use language to denote friendships and closeness; they prioritise relationships and balance their needs in the group with others. Girls who choose status over rapport are denounced as bossy or ‘up themselves’. Boys have an entirely different experience; a hierarchy tends to develop, with the leaders expected to tell the others what to do. They gain this status through dominating conversation—either through making decisions, or taking centre stage with jokes and stories. Interrupting is common and accepted; a higher-status interruption is to be expected. When they grow up, all children take these learned rituals to work with them.

Speaking as a woman in a professional setting involves tightrope walking: don’t be too loud but don’t be too quiet; don’t be too assertive but also make sure you get your point across; play nice or you’ll be a bitch but not too nice or you won’t be taken seriously. Do men experience the same or do they just speak? We’re assuming here that the men are in the power position; the man in the room is the boss and the women are trying to be heard among the other men vying for the dominant role. Yet the experiences of women in executive positions shows you can’t even escape this when you’re the boss: a female boss once said she needed to ‘allow each man to interrupt her four times before protesting in a meeting. If she protested more often, there were problems.’ And when you do get the chance to speak, it’s likely you’ll be interrupted and talked over by a man, only to hear him later repeat the same idea. This is learned behaviour cultivated on the playground—but that’s not an excuse.

The simplest advice anyone can give is to not let men interrupt you; interrupt them back, announce you weren’t finished and continue. All well and good for the most confident among us, but even the most confident may shudder at the need to ‘impose’ herself. Again—learned behaviour. Women are thrust into situations every day where they come up against gender-based stereotypes: at work, you’re either competent or liked.

Businesses have to find ways to interrupt this gender bias. Like orchestras using blind auditions to increase the number of women who are selected, organisations can increase women’s contributions by focusing less on the speaker and more on the idea. Since they can’t provide each meeting participant with a blindfold and voice modulator (without every meeting dissolving into hilarity), the leaders in the room need to ensure women have the right to speak. Impose a no-interruption rule and hold everyone to it; offer women the floor at every opportunity; support each other to subvert the stereotypes.

Deborah Tannen’s research shows people in powerful positions are likely to reward linguistic styles similar to their own, which is one reason the highest positions tend to be dominated by men. Those who are assertive and confident are more likely to be heard at meetings and claim credit for their contributions; those who refrain from interrupting and avoid confrontation are less likely to get ahead in situations dominated by people in the first group. Status over rapport again.

Managers need to recognise any gender bias and adapt flexible approaches to ensuring women’s contributions are both heard and valued as much as any man’s. It’s crucial this is an active endeavour and not dismissed as women simply needing to speak up more. There’s more to it than that. ■