My name is Helen and I am an impostor!

My name is Helen and I am an impostor!

 Let me tell you a secret: I am actually an impostor.

A fraud.

And I really shouldn’t be talking to you at all; and certainly shouldn’t be running a business.  

I am the founder and CEO of a fairly new—but quickly successful—charity fundraising business in Brighton and I employ 70 staff who all believe I am a confident and capable leader, able to handle any situation with easy. How very wrong they are!

One day soon they’ll find that out and I will be caught out for being the impostor that I am.

So says the voice in my head: the impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome is ‘the psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear that they are going to be exposed as a fraud.’ It appears I’m in good company: Einstein, Maya Angelou and Meryl Streep all suffered from the same thing. It was first identified by psychologists back in 1978 and it’s estimated that a whopping 70 percent of successful people suffer from it, being more prevalent among women and ethnic minorities. This means I am sure there will be people reading this who will recognise these symptoms.

When I started reading up on it I realised it was a) widespread and b) exactly what I had: this nagging voice telling me I will be found out and that I couldn’t possibly be a CEO or run a business. It is exactly why I have public speaking anxiety—the two are inextricably linked. Realising this made me immediately feel better: I’m by no means alone and, in fact, I’m in great company.

In continuing my research, I looked up the physical symptoms and came back with all the very things I get when faced with public speaking: sweaty palms, pounding heart rate, voice shaking, stomach flips and panic… it’s the instinctive fight or flight reaction to the belief I am going to get found out.   Interestingly the one group of people I have learnt to be comfortable talking to as a group is my team at work… all 70 of them! I believe the reason for this is a complete acceptance, trust and belief in me which is amazing—even though obviously I still think they’re wrong and it’s only a matter of time before they discover this! 

My fear is very much outside of the office, and out in the sector as a whole… maybe because I’ve not been a lifetime charity professional having changed sectors only five years ago. Perhaps I feel I have something to prove. I don’t know, but I do know that as a CEO everyone naturally assumes I could confidently deliver a speech—I’m pretty confident in most circumstances so it would never occur to people I would have any issues.

The next step on my journey linking my impostor syndrome with my public speaking anxiety is tackling the problem. There’s plenty of advice from psychologists and life coaches as to how to alleviate the symptoms—some sound good and others are definitely not for me. One recommendation was to talk back to my inner voice and tell it: ‘thank you for your services rendered, but you are now surplus to requirements.’ This approach might work for some people, but I’m not sure it’s for me!

Another suggestion was naming it when the fear comes: tell yourself this is just impostor syndrome so there’s no need to worry. I tell myself this every day—I’m not sure it’s helped.

One piece of advice I could relate to was ‘to have the courage to be imperfect.’ This is based on the fact that our continued impatience to be perfect seriously depletes our ability to recognise that we are all works in progress, moving along continuous learning curves all the time. But by far the best piece of advice—which feeds into my need for authenticity in my life—is to take the time to clarify your values. Know what you stand for and know what you uniquely offer—this results in no pretence and real authenticity. I believe it explains why I am able to speak to my team and that’s what I need to remember when speaking to other audiences. 

I am passionate about what I do and what I believe in, and authenticity is key to everything. With that in mind, I hope to battle through this fear but while I’m on that journey—imperfect and still very much on my learning curve—I will take comfort from something the philosopher Bertrand Russel wrote: ‘the whole problem with the world is that all the fools and fanatics are always certain of themselves, and wiser people are full of doubts.’